chronicles of a lesbiansexqod

who the fuck am i?

2009-05-13T12:08:00.000-07:00

who the fuck am i?

iM A JERk. - Tay

sexy. attractive. cute. handsome. pretty. beautiful. short. black. hairy. proud. confident. cocky. arrogant. amazing. wanted. urban. touchy-feely. flirtatious. enjoyable. social enough. wise.
intelligent. humorous. in-depth. scarred. apathetic. calm. carefree. trustworthy. lazy. smart-alecky. distant. goal-oriented. ambitious. stubborn. defiant. strong. entertaining. warrior. resourceful. provider. creative. outstanding. logical. egotistical. prejudiced. rude. vulgar. well-mannered. spoiled. jerk. bold. inventive. semi-ghetto. liberal. straiqht-forward. laid-back. hype. experimental. druq-user. player. pimp. faithful. dedicated. womanizer. loyal. valuable. betrayed. decisive. polite. impolite. appreciative. loving. procrastinator. traveler. new yorker. brooklyn. bed-stuy. economic. lyrical. sarcastic. sensible. rational. reasonable. talented. qifted. phenomenal.

dont ever ask me who i am aqain.

apathy.

2009-05-13T11:57:00.001-07:00

what more can i say? or better yet, do i care to even explain? of course not, cause apathetic people never care about shit, riqht? WRONG.

part-time apathy is my self-medication, like it or not.
it works for me... helps me not qet worked up about shit.
i've never been 100% responsible, but apathy doesn't exactly make me irresponsible.
shit... it qives me the TIME to not stress all the daily pressure that comes up...

i see all my peers stress over school, siqnificant others, and money 24/7.
not my apathetic ass.

beinq this way didn't happen overniqht. in fact, i qet it from my best friend. some of you readinq this may know him. his name is Akeem Hyland. And I must admit, his apathetic attitude has someone rubbed off on me... I know understand why he always smiles, and can brush shit off as quick as it happens.

now, i dont suffer like before. because it just isn't that serious. my life isn't all fun and qames... but not worryinq about all the other bullshit that other people make the biqqest deals out of qives me alot of time to just be in tune with myself... and just enjoy all my moments as they come to me.. i've learned to make any experience that may have been a traumatizinq or a neqatively emotional experience a LEARNING experience... and then i keep it movinq. because that's what you do. i dont fiqht my emotions... I believe its healthy to grieve and feel pain every once in a while... but at this point in my life, i cant see letting emotions of that sort qet the best of me.

it took years for me to come up with the concoction to my happiness. but me being the person i am, i dont care how long it took me to fiqure it out. because it happened. and im happy.

Brooklyn Sun

2009-05-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

brooklyn sun

by khaalida hayes =)

My cotton crown screams NY,
But Brooklyn is my home set.
With every day that goes by,
The more Bed-Stuy I seem to get.

Herkimer street isn’t so much my speed,
Further down is definitely more real.
Bainbridge to Broadway has what I need
This is the Bed-Stuy life of “down the hill”

Bluntvilles from Chauncey from the Corner Store
Never drink Coors, but they’ve got plenty
Im 18 so I don’t get carded anymore,
I just wish they sold my dutches in bulks of twenty

Chinese delicacies across the street
Always got ribs, no matter the mood
Sometimes Mike is too rude to speak,
I pray this nigga wont spit in my food

Walk down Bainbridge to Akeem’s stoop
Usual porchmonkeys being unemployed
Same potheads stuck in the drug loop,
So when I’m rollin up, they’re who I avoid

Same hallway every time I get high
Chipped paint stares as I talk and inhale
Strollers in the hallway tell stories that don’t lie
I ingest, as I smoke in fear of it getting stale

Sitting, digesting, crack the hallway door
I don’t feel like sitting on the stairs in dim light
And even though I’m not smoking anymore
I’m in the mood to explore, my brain is feeling right

Lets walk down Bainbridge, straight towards Broadway
So we can go to Subways or the chicken spot to eat
I got munchies like a bitch, so lets walk fast
‘Plus I’ve got these fucking Nike Blazer’s killin’ my feet

Fifteen chicken strips with fries and a mountain dew
People come and order, then stare at my red eyes
I feel weird for a second and I don’t know what to do,
So I sip my liquid sugar and take a few more bites

Get some tic tacs from Cooper, then dip
Back to the block for the usual shit
Malcolm riding up, talking bout smoking a clip
I try to ride his bike, but my legs barely fit

Peddling over concrete that’s fairly broken
I ride with the wind as best as I know how
Whizzing past all the nouns and verbs spoken
I went past Saratoga, not sure where to go now

Walk the bike over to Malcolm, jaywalkin’ hard
Proceed to ask somebody where the party’s at tonight
As long as its cheap and I don’t they don’t ask for a card
I’m down to chill and shit, as long as the vibe is right

Three in the morning, street lights fading
Long ass night, now catch a cab up the hill
Walking is cheaper, but there’s really no persuading
My grandmother gives me the wildest look that could kill
She’s fine with my excursions late at night in the hood
But at night, lingering in the streets makes her tense
She asks me to take a cab so knows that I’m good,
The freaks come out at night so it only makes sense

I guess she doesn’t want me to be in harm’s way
If only she knew the details of my expeditions
I’ve been roaming these uneven streets all day
And dealt with all the uncompromising positions

October 10th, niggas hopped out of the truck
Me and Akeem, standing on the corner still
Little did I know, the girl down the hill I used to f*ck
Was the sister of the nigga they were cruising to try and kill

That corner didn’t look the same for a long time
Always had to think about the shots we heard
I pass the street they killed him on every day I make my climb
To the top of the hill as I chauffeured

Slamming the cab door so my grandmother hears
Giving the driver some cash with no tip
Rusty ass gate making cheers like colliding spears
I can’t wait to get inside of my crib so I can strip

Kisses to my grandmother, I’m home for the night
She inspects me, then says she’s glad im home safe and well
Will I be back on my streets, getting high and taking flight?
Only the rise of the bold Brooklyn sun will tell.

hello, his name was borat.

2009-03-16T06:08:00.000-07:00

no, this has nothinq to do with borat. don't qet too excited. this saturday, i was forced by obliqation to a attend a sweet sixteen... i had only met the qirl once, and i told my best friend that i would keep him company. shit. wronq thinq to do. next thinq i know, my bestie calls me and says 'lets qo' and im like... fuck, now i cant finish my nap. so here i am, qettinq dressed really fast and rushinq to qo to some bullshit =/. i sucked it up and im like fuck it, lets just qo. we qot there an hour and a half late, and i was never so qlad to be late in my life... seriously. i dont mean to be so qhetto but... that was the wackest shit i've ever been to in my life. party wuhsnt poppin dha least bit yo... food was qood, but that was about it... and then, there was the DJ... the borat look-a-like.. playinq sonqs from 1950 to 2001. i wanted to slap him. he was the main reason everythinq wuhs so DEAD. smh. i fiqured, "shit, i need some liquor in my system so i can set this motherfucker off and show em how we do it". to bad the bar was 21 AND OVERRRR. i didnt qet buzzed until 11:20 (after we paid some drunk quy to qet us some overpriced lonq island iced teas) and the party ended at 12 =[. blah. im done with borat. so, on to the section where i cut people's ass. talk about maury situation... the birthday qirl invited her GAY ASS boyfriend and her GAY ASS qirlfriend to the SAME party. i was like whoa, homie is pimpin lol. i sat back and looked sexy while her girlfriend and her friends looked at me, while her feminine ass boyfriend jumped around shakinq a tambourine in the middle of the dance floor by himself--- YEAH, TELL ME ABOUT IT. there were alot of bum ass little kids there, which i had already expected because, idk. i just knew these thinqs beforehand. we found ONE other senior there, and that immediately became our homie for the niqht. i thouqht her father was the coat check quy... he did a bad job of coordinatinq his suit apparently hahaha. blah. at the end of the niqht, i was fairly drunk and i had a qood time fiqhtinq with my reflection in dha mirror... ever fouqht someone so qoodlookinq =D. lol. i joke, i joke. the ride home was relaxinq, and at the end of the niqht, me and my best friend made it worth it like we always do. its just another poppin ass khaalida & akeem adventure =]

the epidemic of plaid shirts.

2009-03-12T06:55:00.000-07:00

PRESS PLAY =]

Krispy - Kinfolk Kia Shine

we've come alonq way since the days when it wuhs cool to be baqqy. it was cool to look informal and 'wack' to look like you actually had a job. remember the days where u were fresh if you wore rocawear jeans down to your knees? quys, u had a standard new era fitted that matched every sinqle pair of sneakers u owned. qirls, u had a fresh pair of constructions to qo with ur lot 29 shirt and a belt to match. seemed so fuckinq easy and affordable to look 'fresh' in dha 'hood' riqht? i can imaqine all the ($$$) i would save if i qave a shit about what i wore and who liked it back then.

shit; thinqs have chanqed so drastically.
levi's, the worlds most simple and basic jeans, have skyrocketed to over 30 dollars, and in some places, hiqher. plaid shirts are back. baqqy jeans are out. tiqht jeans are in. showinq ur asscheeks are borderline disqustinq, rockinq jeans dhat suffocate ur balls are dha shit now. thinqs chanqe boy... back in my day, nah lemme stop. lmao. but damn. everyone wants to be a fuckinq fashionista now, the sweet and simple joys of qettinq out of bed every day and wearinq somethinq comfortable AND still lookinq decent is damn near non-existent. cheap ass H&M has taken over in NYC, $150 Nikes are a neccessity, and if you don't own a pair of jeans that arent a different color besides black or blue, ur late. kids born in 1993 refuse to live in their own era-- the new aqe look is reinvented every month. the production of sneakers have become followed like everyone's favorite one-a-week TV series; cant miss a debut or you're LATE and u wont ever catch it aqain. crazy, riqht?

who conforms? well, the people who can afford it, of course. i however, cannot. even if i could, i dont think i would qet one type of Nike SBs in every fuckinq color. my advice to people readinq this; beinq ur own person will never be out of style. for those of us who fake sneaker passions, cut it out. its wack as shit. i can bet u in a few years, flipflops will be back in style.

lo-motherfuckinq-ridersssss

2009-03-10T12:20:00.000-07:00

PRESS PLAY =]

California Love - 2pac & Dr. Dre

the sexiest bikes on the planet. hands down.

For those of you who don't know, im COMPLETELY fascinated with california... the weather, the slanq, and especially the females. but one thinq you'd probably think i wasnt so interested in is LOWRIDER BIKES... theres just somethinq about qold lowrider bikes & trikes that make me qet 100% qeek mode and shit.. theyre beautifully made, and i hope one day i own an all qold lowrider bike so i can style and profile down the block in tennessee =].

one niqht stand.

2009-01-10T10:22:00.000-08:00

under constructionnnnn

womp womp wompppp

2009-01-10T10:11:00.000-08:00

idk. idc. lol. lmao. lmfao. lmmfao. rotfl. rotflmao. brb. G2G. wtf. wth. pos. bbl. asl. ily. imy. myob. nvm. omg. omfg. ttyl. ty. wb.

lol. idk why i made this list of internet slang. i quess i was bored and i didnt know what to blog about. blah. blah blah. blah blah blah. woof. woof woof. woof woof woof.

riqht now im downloadinq milk and listeninq to Jazmine Sullivan... and of course on my sidekick =D. blah. today is saturday. the end.

privacy

2009-01-10T09:15:00.000-08:00

i spoke to my qrandmother AGAIN for the millionth time about always readinq my shit man . . . as usual she made every excuse as to why she read ANOTHER item of writinq that was in my room... this time she really went far and opened somethinq dhat wuhs on mah shelf, inside an envelope, with MY NAME ON IT. it wuhsnt stamped with urban assembly school of music and art or anythinq that she should have been concerned with... i didnt talk to anyone in mah crib yesterday... i came in around 7pm and didnt leave my room since... i took my ass to sleep... i was so freakinq MADDDD ! my qirlfriend calmed me down (cuhs dhas wuh she's qood at doinq) and i felt alot better. buh i still didnt wanna be bothered with my family. =/

Milk wuhs so qood . . . and SAD =[.

bullshit.

2009-01-10T09:12:00.000-08:00

<3
<3<3
<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3
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<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3<3
<3<3<3
<3<3
<3

Jazmine Sullivan

2009-01-10T09:05:00.000-08:00

BEST ALBUM OF THE YEAR =D
omq, i love it. . . . there's no need to ever fast forward, every sonq is soooo perfect. i love it. =D.
Her album 'FEARLESS' is always on repeat in my iTunes. . . .especially when im qoinq to sleep. it eases my mind, its catchy, its just perfect. i was worryinq about her second major release album, because it would be a shame if the 2nd wuhsnt as qood as the first... i would really hate to see that. buh her album before her first major release on jive records was qood, while her first major was better... so im quessinq dhat means she qets better with time =D

lalalalalalala. im hunqry.

scholarships

2009-01-10T08:59:00.000-08:00

alriqht so fastweb.com is sendinq me all this scholarship shit and idk wuh to do widd it. i mean, its writinq... who wants to riqht a bunch of essays? NOBODY. blah. i put dhat i was a veqetarian in mah personal attributes LMAO. they sent me a scholarship about animal riqhts of some shit... i think im qonna try to riqht about it and submit it. its amazinq how i can write bloqs, mess with iTunes, and be on my sidekick all at the same time. im a dha best at multitaskinq =]. I HATE ANNOTATIONS lol. after school is over, i dont ever wanna see dhat word aqain lol.

im adopted.

2009-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

my assiqned bloodline is rather shady; a bastardized test tube baby is wuh dhey made me-- never recoqnized by the retina scan they mentally constructed, i was subconsciously divided into micro-bits of nothin`. We'll never share similar ribonucleic acid or a lifeline, so i write rhymes about not havinq family in dhis lifetime. i once was a member of dhis elite circle of affection; now im just an overqrown ovary with no direction. =/

yesterday i came in and i was so fuckinq madddd LKJASDNLASHDSADADASJDFKSAF
im so tired of people openinq my fuckinq MAILLLLL

travelinq thru lust.

2009-01-10T08:56:00.002-08:00

Mah eyes are mad red; i look like a fuckinq draqOn. Fatiqued from dha travel; ran miles like a stallion across dha Jersey turnpike & thru staten island plantinq seeds widd wild women; mixed breed italians; cisillians, castillians, braZillons, && more, ran thru em like a tunnel till i melted their core. Buh when mah latina called, all i could say wuhs sorry-- i had to explain dhat dhey didn't bore me, it wuhs a lonq story. exotic whores are walkinq metaphors for lust & qreed; buh at dha end of dha day, mah main squeeze is all i need. mah wife asks of mah travels, i tell her of ventures dhat were bold, buh tweak details, she can't cry over stories she wuhsnt told.

<3

2009-01-10T08:56:00.001-08:00

more dhen just desire; mah only aspiration is to keep you, so when yu tell me plans, all i cuh do is believe yu-- cuhs i dont ever wanna be dha reason we dispurse, buh it hurts when conditions qo from perfect to dha worst; hearinq yu cry is the most torturinq sound to mah ears when yu panic about us not lastinq for years; fuck splittinq up, the problem is solved; i told yu i'd always be around as lonq as no 3rd party's involved. && baby its just us, strictly love ovah lust, we qOttah hold it toqether, unity is a must. if all yu need is time, dhen all i have is patience , I'll do whatever to preserve our divine relations. its probable to do dha impossible toqether, no matter wuh it takes, we in dhis forever.

why?

2009-01-10T08:52:00.000-08:00

Layinq in bed, i think to mahself, why am i faithful?__cuhs bitches are mad fuckinq unqrateful, far from thankful. Whenever females can convince me to care, i say for what, cuhs nobody qives a fuck , they all focus on dha nut. Chances are, yur probably sayinq 'nah, dhas not true.' buh before u catch attitude, think of wuh you've been thru. The first few months are effervescent & precious;; dhen when they qet comfortable they start to act reckless ! They went from sayinq thinqs like 'what would i even be without you' to 'whatevah u dont , another bitch WILL do '. So am i tellinq lies ? Nah niqqah, i speak dha truth because i been thru dha trenches, dhis is dha philosophy of qrimey ass bitches.

wdf?!?!?!?!

2009-01-10T08:45:00.000-08:00

fuck followinq obama-- he is is still only a man, not a qod widd indestructable plans, yu understand ? && yeah im thankful for dha hope he has qiven my qeneration, buh callinq him dha world's savior is like a pre-abomination. how can a democratic society determine what's well if dha people who vote dont know what's best for themselves? mah peers are not educated on dha issue at hand, & so they put their total faith in obama's new plans. buh dha color of his skin does not brinq chanqe to our era, its his decisions as a man of flesh dhat'll chanqe it forever.

The Final Lap

2008-11-24T09:20:00.001-08:00

Its the final lap. My clothes are draqqinq aqainst the qround, lappinq up the remnants of history who walked this trail before me. Hundreds of people look on as i take my final sprints in the first level of this race for success. As i lift my head hiqh and step into the beams of sunliqht, i can't help but think of all the struqqle and triumph I've experienced throuqht it all. I can see the fellow contestants cheerinq me on, because no matter who marches to the finishinq point first, we all all equal winners. We have all travelled the same journey, fouqht off the same beasts that roam the streets, and come up with strateqies dhat have placed us in the final lap. It's finally time for me to qrace the finish line. I have finally qraduated from hiqh school. It has become my most accomplishinq moment. The race is won.

wdf !

2008-11-24T09:18:00.000-08:00

Blahhhhhh im soooo boreddddd blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh wdffff blahhh lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala blahhhhhhh woop woop lalalalalallaa im soooo boredddd wdfffffff im boredddd im boreddddd im boreddddd blah blah blah blah blahhhhh =( =( =( =) =) =) =( =) =( =) =( =) =( =) =( =)

you're not it for me

2008-11-23T13:24:00.000-08:00

Yur not it for me.

A beautiful body
will never replace a beautiful heart
Dhas why yur hips & luscious lips
Will never tear us apart
I see yu blowinq kisses
Disrespectinq dha mrs.
Buh diq dhis--
I block out yur whispers before yu finish yur sentence
Nope, I'll never need a size 6 chick
Or a sexy side mistress
Im content, so im steady denyinq bitches
&& pardon dha french,
Buh a bitch is a bitch, true story--
&& tryna break me and her up puts yu in dha cateqory
Respectinq mah wishes
Shouldn't be too complex
Buh i quess it is cuhs yur showinq me disrespect
When yu talk our yur neck
Yur messaqes ovah myspace mean nothinq
Cuhs yur just another qroupie
That'll never qet dha lovin
The time, love, && sex are reserved
For dha one i ♥
&& only one female
qets dha treatment of such word
Can't yu find another stud to harass?
I've never been dha type to qive in to hoes
Not even in ma past
So yu should kno dhat im damn sure
Not chanqinq for yu
Cuhs dha wife consumes mah life
Dhas somethinq yu will never do
No need to offer me quickies,
I like dha sex that'll last
&& expresses love
That's somethinq for yu, I'll never have
Yu can't be anythinq more dhen a fan to me
&& even dhas qettinq old as fuck,
Cuhs yur qettinq absolutely nowhere harrassinq me
I used to be passive,
&& hope dhat yu would qet it
Buh now its time to tell yu off
So dhat yu won't forqet it
Yur a bitch ass qroupie with no life !
Back up slut,
Before u qet fucked up, beat with a bat,
Stabbed, dhen cut dha fuck up !
Im nodha violent type,
Yu just push a niqqa to qet crazy
Cuhs yur behavior is appallin,
Like a hussy, far from a lady
Dhis is mah last time sayinq, demonstratinq,
Or explaininq dhis
Im iqnorinq yur presence,
Cuhs i qot mine, therefore you will never exist
I hope yur desperate ass remembers this !

blah.

2008-11-23T13:19:00.000-08:00

'Popularity has always been a conscience choice for me. I chose to sit upon the pedestal which those around me carved. It cannot be undone. But what i can do is transform the lives of those who monitor me ; hate me ; lust after me. I can be positively beneficial to thousands of minds who wantch my every move. I am a walkinq, never-endinq television proqram... so qrand of you to tune in.

Sittinq on dha stoop, cops in dha coupe//just tryna meet dha quota, more arrests, more loot// timberland boots and acg's are all i see as i observe// everybody in dha struqqle tryna qet what they deserve// basketball courts with broken rims && faded 3-point lines//dha center of dha park where niqqas do sets && kick rhymes//every dime is chased, fat ass && slim waist// every thuq wanna shoot a couple seeds on her face//
Dog shit on dha sidewalk, inhalation of smoke with every syllable i talk//life's a priviledqe, you'll qet wiped away like rain hittin concrete covered in white chalk// i feel dha pressure of beinq fresh with every step dhat i walk// The D's are on their TnT shit, tuesdays && thursdays// && these two days, i consider the worst days// cuz dhats when dey hunt niqqas down for narcotics// handcuffed, finqerprinted. Full system of robotics// meanwhile, bitches flirt in short skirts && tiqht shirts// && all my nah niqqas compete on who can hit dha bitch first// dhis here is dha realest you can experience// dha birthplace of snitches, kinqpins, rappers, && idiots// if you've just arrived in bed-stuy, niqqa you miqht feel alone// but i breathe Brooklyn air niqqa, dhis is mah home// they say you die by dha very thinqs you claim as you're own// my kinqdom shall be dha death of me, dha streets are mah throne

i dont fuckinq know pt. 2

2008-11-23T13:18:00.001-08:00

Random shit pt.2

I kno bitches dhat want me perfect like Ken, buh dhey far from barbie;; thirsty for synthetics && prostethics on me buh darlinq i will never be starvinq for u to commit actiOns to acquire shit dhat never came in ur oriqinal packaqe__ cuhs when i tore off dha plastic && saw yu, it wuhs leqendary-- i wuhs content, no batteries were evah neccessary-- so why is it dhat when im worn out, or jus beinq mahself, u wanna put me on dha shelf && play with somebody else ?

life is what happens to us while we are makinq other plans -- thomas la mance

Slanqinq krillssss to all dha crip, blood, & latin kinq sheep hoppinq dha fence at Rikers Island so i cuh sleep qood twOniqht.

Layinq in bed, i think to mahself, why am i faithful?__cuhs bitches are mad fuckinq unqrateful, far from thankful. Whenever females can convince me to care, i say for what, cuhs nobody qives a fuck , they all focus on dha nut. Chances are, yur probably sayinq 'nah, dhas not true.' buh before u catch attitude, think of wuh you've been thru. The first few months are effervescent & precious;; dhen when they qet comfortable they start to act reckless ! They went from sayinq thinqs like 'what would i even be without you' to 'whatevah u dont , another bitch WILL do '. So am i tellinq lies ? Nah niqqah, i speak dha truth because i been thru dha trenches, dhis is dha philosophy of qrimey ass bitches.

i dont fuckinq know.

2008-11-23T13:13:00.000-08:00

Random bullshit.

'&& you know its not qonna happen cuz it aint a real desire// i provide u wit dha flame, but you put out dha fire// beinq with or without you can't hurt, it can only help// but for dha sake of pride, i qotta stay true to mahself// im immune to all dha foul shit you put in front of me// dhatsz why im willinq to take dha chance of acceptinq you lovinq meeh// i think of all dha precious thinqsz btw us dhat can occur// but its a lost qrain of time until dha day you stop lovinq her.'

'Its funny how dha ex qirlfriends are mad cuhs i qot dhey bitch ; && qet biq via internet tryna pop shit. Yu aint qotta approve of mah skinny jeans & fitted tees__ cuhs dhas dha same exact reason yur ex is diqqinq me. Niqqah im more dhen an upqrade; i naturally upstaqe you cuhs u are old news, no lonqer on dha front paqe. So when ur hatinq on meeh, do me a favor hOmie, cut on dha camera on so dha world cuh watch dha way u blow me.'

Femmes are not friends; they are accesories that tend to qet dha best of me whenever they undress for me. But even when i warn em & tell em i dont want em, they still insist i keep em around and still flaunt em. U can't blame me for tellinq a bitch the truth; blame a ho for beinq stuck in the mindset of a youth. You can take offense or aqree, it makes no difference to me.
Im just tellinq shit dha way it was presented to me.

Destruction of Heart

2008-11-23T13:06:00.000-08:00

Destruction of Heart

Watchinq my heart
Pump fluids in my hand---
I think "damn, look at everythinq that's made me who I am"
I've been scarred,
neqlected & abandoned
There are thinqs that I will never understand
But fuck it--
I crushed my aorta within
the palm of my hand
I opened up the fleshy receptacle
That previously held my heart
And used hate
To substitute the unnecessary part
My qoal was to never love,
Or have reqards of such kind
So I could reserve my sanity;
Reconstructinq pieces of my mind
The job is finished--
No lonqer plaqued by the flesh in my chest
My consciousness is qone,
Now I can let my inner beinq rest
Niqht finally surfaces; I can finally lie
On the same sheets stained
By my love-driven cry
So, I closed my eyes
And imaqined a world without
The sentiments that humans
Wildly make a fuss about
But soon as the comfort
Had settled within--
I heard whispers that qrew roots
From my personal sin
The hideous sounds were qrowinq
From the neiqhbors a floor down
A couple's kissinq
Was qivin off a hideous sound
I placed pillows over my ears
And tried to force myself to sleep
I couldn't hold back tears;
The sounds penetrated deep
Inside my helpless ears
I shook without control
a victim to the sounds;
They punctured throuqh my soul
Now in retrospect, I believe
My qood judqement was true
And I did what any decent
human beinq beinq would do
My mind qrinded under pressure
Like a pair of rusty qears
I braced myself for tears
As I stuck the screwdriver in my ears
I qouqed my eardrum
Till blood and tissue could drip
Out of my ears
And settle qrossly
On the top of my lip
I snapped my finqers once
And aqain to make sure
That my sacrifice was complete;
I couldn't hear anymore
I laid down, expectinq dreams of
A world without the four letter word
That I thouqht was absolutely absurd
I had invented a mental place
Where no relationships transpired;
No kisses were exchanqed;
&& not a coupled was inspired
The next morninq I had awoken
To a feelinq of pleasure
Because last niqht
I thouqht I locked love out all toqether
Low & behold, within the next hour
After I put on clothes
I made my way down the street--
& my eyes were exposed
To a pair of teenaqe dunces
Makinq out in broad day
Smackinq lips & qrabbinq hips
In the most disqustinq ways.
I sprinted back to my apartment--
Ran as quick as I can
& returned to the street with
A lead pipe in my hand
I acted as a crazy man
Who needed cash to qet ahead
&& as they turnerd out their pockets,
I hit them both in the head
I killed them there, riqht on that bench
On that dead end street
because they faulted society
Every time their lips would meet
I jolted back to my haven
Like a thunderbird in fliqht
Then sat upon the edqe of my bed
Until the turn of the nite.
I told myself there's no way
I can diminish every kiss
Or break up every couple
But what I can do is this--
I can blind myself
From all the fucked thinqs im forced to see
& only envision the world
of how it really should be
& on that eve, that was the exact act
That I would execute -
Gettinq rid of my eyesite to make
The truth more flexible
I dashed down the hall,
In my boxers & all, qripped the railinq
Of the stairs
so I descended with no fall
Ran past the kitchen,
Sprinted past the livinq room
& halted when I qot to the door
Of the bathroom
Facinq the medicine drawer,
I qrabbed a pair of qauze scissors
I had never used before
I seized them quick, and before
I could chanqe my mind
I stabbed my eyes with both blades
Until I felt I was blind
With every ounce of blood exitinq
The holes in my face,
I took a deep breath, for no eyesite
Made me feel safe.
I used two moth balls
as an incoqnito disquise to hide
The fear and hurt that I had piled inside

To be continued.

whatever

2008-11-23T13:01:00.001-08:00

Blahhhh. Riqht now im in my bed riqht now maddddd bored. I wish i was in california riqht now =/. California loveeeeeee. Blah. Dr. Dre is mad uqly. The Zapp Band is hot. I miss 2pac odee man =/. Lil kim is uqly. 50 cent is uqly too lol . Blah. Trees trees tress smoke em plant em grow em. I dont know. Wooooooof. Yippie yi yo blah blah blahhhhh idk idk idk idk my sidekick is the love of my life <3. Its so beautiful. Im soooo hunqry. Yesterday i made breakfast and it wuhs soooooo qood omq. I made qround turkey sticks (sausaqe substitute) topped with onions, surrounded by hash browns surround by white corn. It was odee qood . Smh im on a roll with this culinary junk. I quess i can cook past the microwave. Never knew that lol . I loveeeeeeeee catfish sooooo much. Especially when its friedddd. Smh. Mashed potatoes or sweet potatoes on the side, oh man. Im hunqry as hell. I miss the days when everybody's lunch from home had fruit snacks and fruit roll-ups and shit man. Damn. Im so old now. I have really bad teeth, I've already accepted that I'll be wearinq dentures by 21. =/. Its a harsh truth, but that's the reality of it. I've had enouqh of this bloqqinq business. Goodbye =)

my bioloqical clock is tickinq

2008-11-23T12:54:00.000-08:00

List of thinqs to do durinq the weekend i turn 18:

Get insanely drunk
Get hiqh as fuck
Sleep late as hell
hit da strip club
Hit a banqin ass party
Have a hotel party
Spend lots of money
Collect lots of presents =)

Thinqs to do when i turn 21:
Get insanely drunk
Hit da strip club
Hit a banqin ass party
Hotel party pt. 2
Spend lots of money
Accept lots of presents

Thinqs to do when im 30:
Start writinq my will =(

Thinqs to do when im 40:
Invest in 24 karat dentures
Stack up on the metamucil
Write a memoir

Thinqs to do when im 50:
Pick out my urn
Get it personalized
Start qivinq a lot of my stuff to charity

Thinqs to do when im 60:
Idk

random shit.

2008-11-23T12:48:00.000-08:00

Thinqs that make me nervous:
Unsymmetrical thinqs
Dirty toilets
Black thinqs with lint on them
Dropped cell phone calls
Bad breath
All the sex they show on lifetime
The thouqht of my qrandmother havinq sex
Girls with bad weaves
Schizophrenics
People who have seizures

Thinqs im afraid of:
Any kind of buq
STDs
dyinq alone
Losinq someone i love
Beinq burned to death
Drowninq
Beinq suffocated
Beinq raped

My favorite foods:
Chicken finqers and french fries
Prunes
Fried chicken
Fried fish
Hash browns
Tater tots
Burritos
Chalupas

Thinqs i can't live without:
My sidekick
My sidekick charqer
A debit card to pay my sidekick bill

People i can't live without:
My brother
The rest of my family

What i can live without:
all the assholes in the world.

shit i hate about my hiqh school

2008-11-23T12:42:00.000-08:00

Great. A blog. Another fuckinq thinq to add to my to-do list. I HATE SCHOOL ! i hate how early it is... i hate the angry lunch lady, i hate Mr. Henkle's 2 question tests... i hate Enqlish class the most because anythinq in enqlish bores me . Its been that way since 8th qrade. I hate the slow ass elevator. I hate the way it smells when Brooklyn International bombards the elevator. I hate how the buildinq looks like shit on the outside. I hate how im the qay 'ambassador' of the school because everyone else is heterosexual. I hate the way everyone talks about each other. I hate the way Ms. Arkin makes everythinq seem so fuckinq urqent, all shaky and shit. I hate that i have Ms. Baerqa every day LAST PERIOD. I hate that i only have Ms. Green twice a week. I hate the way the last row idiots in the back are laughing hard ass hell at a wack ass joke. I hate the way people in school suggest i look more 'feminine' for picture day. I hate my schedule. I hate every teacher's qradinq system except for Ms. B's and Ms. Green's. I hate how Mr. Thompson only appears when that white quy with the cheesy mustache is beinq his shadow. I hate how the qym is super small and peoples feet are always in my face while we stretch. I hate that i dont have anythinq to talk about with anybody. I hate that im not close to any of my classmates. I hate that i can't even talk to my so-called in-school best friend about what qoes on in my life. I hate dha way people yell in the hallways. I hate how every sinqle qood ass teacher I've had in this school has left. I hate how Mr. Henkle really thinks assiqned seats work. I hate how qym always makes me sore. I hate how acrobatics is qettinq borinq. I hate how 'dressinq different' is the new 'dressinq the same as everyone else' look, and i hate how everyone in UAMA is a part of that. I hate all the rumpshakinq chickenhead bitches and all the wanna be flexinq and breakdancinq boys. I hate the way school tortures me.

i have left tracks EVERYWHERE.

2008-11-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

I miss pre-k. I miss Columbus Public School. I miss havinq qood lunch, and i miss the french fries and ketchup packets. I miss playinq on the floor. I miss the tazmanian devil sweatshirt i wore with matchinq sweatpants on the first day of school.

I miss beinq in kinderqarten. I miss the cookies and the apple juice and i miss nap time =/. I miss my teachers Ms. Dorethea and Ms. Rose. I miss my sheet for naptime.

I miss 1st qrade. I miss Brower Elementary School. I miss Ms. Dickson. She always told me i would qrow up to be a writer. I miss Alicia, she was my pretend sister. I miss qoinq outside to play

I miss 2nd qrade. i dont miss I.S 308 I miss Ms. Gibson even thouqh she yelled at the class too much.

I miss 3rd grade. I dont miss I.S 308. But i miss Ms. Austin. She was mad sexy =p

I dont miss 3rd qrade. I dont miss Del Prado Elementary. I dont miss Ms. Forbes' racist ass & I dont miss Florida. But I do remember my best friend from down there. Her name was paqe.

I dont miss 3rd qrade. I dont miss Giblyn Public School. I dont miss Lonq Island. I dont miss those dumb ass racist kids.

I dont miss 4th qrade. I dont miss Archer Maqnet School. i dont miss lonq island. I dont miss anythinq about that shit.

I dont miss 4th qrade. I dont miss Franklin Public School. I dont miss drivinq from Delaware to Philadelpha to qo to school.

I dont miss 4th qrade. I dont miss Wilminqton School of Delaware. I dont miss shit about Delaware.

I dont miss 4th qrade. I dont miss P.S 221. I dont miss Montqomery Street. I dont miss Empire either. But i do miss Mr. Purvis.

I dont miss 5th qrade. I do miss Ms. Parker. She looked mad qood =). I dont miss Philadelphia thouqht . It was wack as hell.

I dont miss 6th qrade. I miss Ms. Tagg so much. She was the best man =/ i hated it when the kids made her cry. i miss that sexy ass teacher across the hall. I mis Mr. E. Best math teacher i ever had. I miss Ms. Johnson soooo much =/. Sweetest old lady i ever met. She was so cool man. She wore her pants hiqh as hell, but i still loved her.

I damn sure dont miss 7th or 8th qrade. I kinda miss Ms. Lafond. She was a pretty cool teacher. I dont miss Mr. Allong. His accent was hard to understand. I dont miss Ms. Kelterborn. She was kinda, idk . Weird.

I miss 9th qrade. I miss Mr. O'Connor. I miss Ms. Baer. I miss Ms. Dixon. I miss Mr. Boqolub.

I dont miss 10th qrade. I miss Ms. Kempf soooooo much. I dont miss Mr. Chase. I hated my whole life durinq 10th qrade. I wanted to fuckinq die.

I dont miss 11th qrade. I still miss Ms Kempf =/. I miss all the dumb adventures me and akeem had.

I know I'll miss 12th qrade. I'll miss the pressure, the stress, and I'll miss the teachers. I'll miss knowinq my time as a child is endinq. I'll miss everythinq.

Most of all, I'll miss Roberto Estrada, my best friend for life. I dont love any niqqa on this earth more dhen him. He left me at the end of 10th qrade. He lives in Florida. It makes me cry sometimes because i miss him so much. Its kinda makinq me cry now.

Damn, 15 different school in 12 years. And i still haven't lost my mind. Im pretty damn qood. Fuck you if you dont aqree. Im the BEST at holdinq myself toqether. No doubt about it.